Final Fear.

The timing of this assignment was very bizarre for me. When we first got the assignment, I had just learned that my grandfather has stage 4 lung cancer, and so basically was running out of time. The news hit rather hard, and started making me wonder about how quickly life can just fly by. Then, at the doctors office they thought I may have some sort of cancer, and so I had to go and see a specialist for it (The reason I wasn't able to make it to class last week). Thankfully it was all good news, but it was still a crazy time.
So, because of all this, my mind started working in a mysterious way. Instead of being scared of dying or whatever else, I was more intimidated by the fact that if I were to die, I would leave without ever feeling a real sense of accomplishment for anything, and that was scary as hell. In class, I was worried about getting up in front of everybody, because I was anticipating most people not necessarily understanding or caring about my one real "fear," as opposed to talking about scary spiders or what have you. Then, in class on the first day, we started talking about depression and suicide and what have you, and I felt like if I said anything then it wouldn't really apply, because my fear was the opposite of theirs. Everybody was afraid of life, where as I am terrified of dying before I feel content with myself.
I am graduating soon, and so am supposed to find a job and figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life. But now, instead of just trying to find a job that makes me money, I have realized that I need to be doing something that is going to push me to be better, and to feel accomplished. Otherwise, I will never ever be happy with my life, and life is too short to waste being unhappy.
So, to sum up, my biggest fear is dying without feeling like I have accomplished anything great. Hopefully someday soon I can figure out what it is that I need to pursue to find that feeling, but until then, I will always have that thought in the back of my mind that if I go today, I will have wasted all of my time. I want that thought to go away.